Voting For Michelle Balls and Heidi Petterson Will Destroy the Entire Planet

Okay, maybe they won't destroy the entire planet, but possibly a good chunk of it. And maybe "destroy" is a little hyperbolic, but certainly they'll make specific parts of the planet uninhabitable. And, obviously, they won't have so much of an active role in said destruction, but they'll definitely be providing a permission structure for an ideology that is morally corrosive, ravenously greedy, pornographically militaristic, psychologically stunted, deliberately miseducated, and one that's willfully blind to the carnage it wreaks in order to maintain an illusory, guilt-ridden comfort, girded by white supremacy and a colonialist capitalist structure that feeds on death. And oil.

And that's just their politics...

They're certainly known by their fruits with regards to their religion as well; crusading against the Queer community for, by the looks of them, what must be centuries now.

And, literally that's it. I wish I had more to add here, but, frankly, that's all these two have on offer. It's their entire public identity. That's all either of them ever talked about. Like, ever. So that's what you can expect more of.

Heidi may have attended three City Council meetings; all of them to complain about Drag Shows. She has literally no relevant experience to speak of here. Nothing that makes her qualified for the seat she's seeking. I wish I were kidding. If Heidi were a wheel, she'd be the third one. And if she had one more wheel, she'd be a trailer; being dragged along with absolutely no effort of her own, hitched to a pious, malcontented jalopy with a bitchy hair cut, barreling its way down a narrow tunnel, with every intention of wedging itself sideways until we pass an ordinance making "men in dresses" illegal in Monroe. Again, I wish I were kidding.

Michelle, on the other hand, hasn't missed a meeting that I'm aware of, which is a true testament to her stubborn rage and vindictiveness. To her credit, she's shown amazing dedication at making an ass out of herself on the one topic that seems to consume her. Showing her whole ass to the city on many occasions, her antics were so outrageous and performative that brand new rules, specific to her, regarding public comments, had to be continuously amended to accommodate her overly theatric, threatening behavior. No more than one person at the podium is a rule that had to be enacted because of her. She convinced twenty citizens to stand behind her and mean-mug the audience while she described the gruesome biblical scenario in Nehemiah. Here, she proceeded to compare some of Monroe's own citizens—the ones she now hopes to represent—as a marauding, evil military that must be fought off by force with weapons and armor. You know, like how all representative constitutional democracies work. She then necessitated stanchions be put in because she attempted to approach the dais on one occasion. All of this culminating to the council, rightly fearing for their safety from the fervor this maniac was whipping up, installed new metal detectors to the tune of more than $30,000 dollars, as well as paying for additional Law Enforcement presence to ensure that a bar fight didn't break out in City Hall.

But costing the city large sums of money was no deterrent for our quintessential, dead-eyed Disney stepmother, because she then proceeded to accuse the entire city council of having CSAM on their laptops and insinuated that they were enabling child sexual exploitation by even allowing a local restaurant to remain in business. She's now sued that restaurant three times, by the way, for various imagined damages to her impeccable character and, get this, her privacy. The previous two lawsuits, at great cost to the defendents, were summarily dismissed because they were ridiculous. But Balls' fiery hate will not be quenched and so the third, filed while she's running to represent the city, is currently pending legal review.

In short, Michelle has even less to offer the city than Petterson does. Petterson is at least harmless without being hitched. Michelle is a liability, at best, and more appropriately, a hindrance to any meaningful progress the city could ever hope to make. They'll both naively follow every whim of The Dotson Clique, because they don't care about anything, nor do they care to care about anything. And eventually, in order to please her slobbering maw of hate, they'll allow Balls her unconstitutional ban on Drag performances in the city, resulting in an inevitable multi-year, multi-hundreds-of-thousands-of-dollars lawsuit, and marring the city's reputation just like Robert Burns has done during his tenure.

Can you believe that dipshit is running for Governor?!

But I digress...

To emphasize just how woefully unserious Heidi Petterson is, she used her time during public comment at the last City Council meeting to unironically quote Ronald-effing-Reagan as he addressed the British Parliament about the impending fall of the Soviet Union. He was urging Western democracies to advocate boldly for individual liberty, representative government, and the rule of law. And in true Gipper-fashion, he was, meanwhile, as he spoke, actively engaged in the Iran-Contra affair, even though it didn't officially unravel and become public until 1986. But, rest assured, as he spoke loftily about the "rule of law", he was deeply embroiled in an operation that violated both international and domestic laws...

Oops..

While Reagan waxed poetic about individual liberty and representative government and fostering democratic institutions, he was covertly backing authoritarian regimes and paramilitary groups. In Nicaragua, his CIA illegally mined harbors. This was condemned by the International Court of Justice (ICJ), which ruled that the U.S. had violated international law and Nicaragua's sovereignty. This was only to be outdone by the literal genocides that the US oversaw and aided in El Salvador and Guatemala.

So much for liberty...

Anyway, I don't expect Heidi to know any of this... And I certainly don't expect her to care. As a matter of fact, she later went on to warn us all of the scourge of Socialism and how the young folks were being taken in by this "dangerous political ideology that has been responsible for the verified deaths of over 100 million people since its beginnings..." This shouldn't be a shock to anyone reading this by now, but Heidi has absolutely no clue what the fuck she's talking about.

That "100 million deaths" figure is a famously debunked piece of post-Cold War propaganda, and she'd know this if she were an even slightly curious person. Unfortunately for all of us, she is not. The Black Book of Communism, where this figure comes from, is a bizarre exercise in logic where drops in birth rates, war casualties, and every single preventable famine death count as "murder." Contributors to the book later publicly criticized the main author, commenting on his "obsession" to reach the arbitrary number. If this is what passes for proof to Heidi, then I hate to tell her, capitalism easily clocks in at well over 100 million deaths just from global poverty, lack of clean water, and preventable diseases every single decade. Hell, Elon alone is estimated to have caused more than 700,000 deaths globally, a total projected to reach 9.4 million to 14 million preventable deaths by 2030. And if you want to talk realistic historical estimates, mainstream historians—not nutjobs with axes to grind—suggest that the United States has caused between 15 million and 30 million deaths globally and domestically over its history. This total includes both foreign military interventions and the domestic destruction of Indigenous populations. Of course, that final number depends on whether a historian counts only direct violent deaths or includes "indirect" structural deaths caused by forced displacement, disease, and societal collapse.

But, again, Heidi doesn't care about any of this... She's lying for Jesus. But, we've all had enough of Heidi... including her husband.

Balls, during her allotted time, chose instead to talk about a much more prescient topic; one that will most certainly affect every single red-blooded Monroevian and one that must be acted upon immediately to ensure the future of our American Republic and the liberty for which it stands... I'm just kidding, she talked about Sharia Law and Defunding the Police and how both are incompatible with the Constitution. She has a density only rivaled by her immense bigotry. If her density were a material substance, it would have collapsed our solar system into a Supermassive Black Hole; its singularity stretching all space and time into one long continuous rant about how she's righteously and self-sacrificially spaghettifying us all to save us from the fabulous dancing dudes who lip-sync Cher songs and do flying splits.

OH, THANK YOU, BALLS! Thank you for your mercy and wisdom...

Michelle continues...

"And I for sure know that people in Monroe are tired of the taxes..."

Wait, but what's this? She's talking about... taxes... is Balls expanding her repertoire? Are we about to receive a lively and informative missive on responsible stewardship of the public purse? A lesson in the duty of elected officials to ensure a transparent, financially sound spending strategy, based on her vast experience and competent applications of hard-learned expertise?

The very next sentence...

"and, honestly, the Number One concern for me is that, if you can't protect children, or won't protect children within our city limits, you really can't be trusted with anything..."

Oh, for fuck's sake, Balls... I'm done.

To put a cap on this—'cause I'm just so tired of writing about these two stuffed pantsuits with regrettable haircuts and ill-advised tattoos... These two women have absolutely nothing to offer this city except more demagoguery interspersed with blank stares. If you're somehow in the mood for two more years of the same pompous, undeserved, overconfident, schoolmarmish finger-wagging, and the very high probability of these right-side-up dingbats embroiling the city in a legal quagmire that will undoubtedly be nationally reported on and mocked ruthlessly, then by all means, vote for these sentient cinder blocks being thrown into traffic. But if you care for your city and would like to maintain the small amount of dignity we have left, vote for literally anyone other than these two. They will literally destroy the entire planet. Well, not the whole planet. Just the small portion we love.